Hit The Wall

I’m having a bad day today. I’ve hit the pre-Christmas wall. I now want Christmas over with. I just don’t have the enthusiasm and the energy for it any longer. I just want my shopping done, the stuff on TV that I want to watch now! I’m just over it.

I’m having a real “2006” day. Two years ago I was going through a very deep depression. Not something I’d ever gone through before. Despite having long spells of living in poverty, I’ve always been scarily optimistic. So 2006 really came from nowhere. I just couldn’t see the point any more. But it was like that, every day, for at least 6 months.

I still have those feelings on the odd day. It’s just more of a “feel sorry for myself” day now when that happens. Today is one of those days. I just want to mope. Just lay on the bed in the foetal position and forget about the world for a while.

In 2006 I used to have quite big philosophical questions for myself and others. Why *are* we here? Are we meant to be here? Aren’t we just a virus invading a place that’s not rightfully ours? Why do we treat animals so inferior? Environmental conservation?! What a laugh! If we weren’t here f*cking up the earth in the first place, we wouldn’t have to be doing “conservation” work – I say, typing it into my netbook!!

The world is just full of contradictions, hypocrisy and chaos.

Then I think things like “What drives a person in say, DR Congo, or the Darfur region, or even Zimbabwe to continue on? What *IS* the point of it? Please, please, really tell me?

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In the absolute grand scheme of things, what do we, as humans, contribute to anything? That we leave a mark (more like scar, and a deep scar at that)? That we get remembered for achievements? So, we’ve gone to the moon…SO?! What of it? Big fat hairy deal. What does it matter that I know Einstein? What did he prove? Why is it important that I know that Henry VIII lived and had six wives?

What makes these things important when we still have wars, we are still animals – lesser animals than the ones we like to “lord it” over! We’re just a mutant virus. We shouldn’t even be here.

Then there’s things like religion. Just do *not* get me started there.

I know. It’s all very “It’s A Wonderful Life” the way I’m talking. But seriously, that movie is fantasy. What WAS so important about George Bailey’s life? Oh sure, he saves his brother’s life – who then in turn saves the lives of people in war – but his brother saved peoples lives IN WAR! I mean, FFS, we STILL have war! The human race is just ridiculous.

I just don’t get stuff…I really don’t.

Yes, it’s a bad day…